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Season 2 Recap Part 1
Sunday, September 18, 2005 For this year's recap we turn to Erin. This week is part one of the Recap. Thank you Erin for gracing our blog. The Tree Hill Presentence Report: Adult Division The Tree Hill Presentence Report: Adult Division Dan awakened from his coma as part of the kinder, gentler, thousand points of light people, which had his family clearly suspecting lasting brain damage or an undocumented lobotomy. Sadly, as time went on, his mustache grew back and started to twirl, and they realized that he was only faking. His litany of licentiousness included: setting brother up with potential hooker to marry and have her break his heart, embezzling from the dealership, being the assiest ass that ever assed to all his former lovers, their offspring and/or their spouses, taking Pippi from Karen (with help from Pippi the clueless), general sleaziness with underage girls, and helping stress Deb enough that she continued her search for pharmaceutical nirvana, even after a startling impromptu performance as a lawn gnome. Mitigating circumstances include: his brother did sleep with his wife, Haley did help emancipate Nathan away from Dan's control, and Pippi does exist, which is an annoyance in itself. Plea bargain being considered with jail time recommended, pending further review of Nathan’s mysterious "annulment" papers and provided that the Phoenix shall rise again after being drugged and trapped in Dealership Flambe. However, he will do time for forcing me to watch Jules on my screen. That must be punished, along with being the catalyst for excessive cruelty to the Dealership Window. And no, we don't care if orange isn't your color. Deb quit work to assuage her guilt about doing his brother and helping to lead to Dan's heart attack, (although the not calling 911 immediately and yelling at him during same probably didn't help things either), and took Dan back, which had her family and friends clearly suspecting lasting brain damage or, you guessed it, drug use. Her addiction to hillbilly heroin led her to lectures from Pippi, (which you might think is the lowest you can go), an impressive performance as a lawn gnome, unfortunate wardrobe choices, to decide that after years and years of crap from Dan, Haley was actually the enemy that took her son away and lying to Karen about her ONS with Karen's non-boyfriend. Crimes include: Indecent exposure from her wardrobe, illegal drug use, annoying sanctimonious behavior, bad dancing, shrewish performance as a mother-in-law, and general spinelessness. Mitigating circumstances include: her son's emancipation, being hard up enough to do Keith, being married to Satan for years, and a fabulous throwdown with the Master of Evil himself, although she lost points for not realizing she could send him to jail with an immunity deal and allowing him to bully her with the embezzlement records. Plea bargain recommended, pending further review of Haley's magical mystery tour and Dealership Flambe. If there is no further lawlessness, disposition will be time served for her marriage to Dan, from which the Court will grant her a full pardon and recommendation that her counseling for her addiction continue and that she buy some turtlenecks. Keith tried to assuage his guilt about his ONS with his brother's bride by returning to Tree Hill from a brand new life in Charleston (with Pippi so it wasn't exactly Shangri La) to run the dealership during Dan's incapacitation from his heart attack. After a contrived meeting in which even 4 year olds were screaming Plant at the screen with Jules/Emily/Whoever and a whirlwind courtship, Karen told Keith on his wedding day that Jules/Emily/Whoever was part of an elaborate revenge plot, which made sense only to Dan. After being dumped at the altar and chastising both Karen and Pippi for both getting in his business and not telling him about Jules/Em/Ah Screw It, he left town. Was possibly sighted in the area just before Dealership Flambe. Crimes include: General spinelessness, idiocy in the first degree, destruction of property and assault on the Dealership Window, excessive drunkenness, and love scenes that made me want to wash my eyes with bleach. Mitigating circumstances include, he is Dan's brother, generally being decent to Pippi, attempting to mentor Nathan (although I blame him for the keyboard debacle) and not much else. Plea bargain recommended, pending review of Dealership Flambe. If no further crimes, will recommend leaving town (and taking Pippi with you). Being Dan's brother seems to be punishment enough. Karen started college, opened a nightclub, and pulled a Demi with the younger foreign and rich, Professor McHottie. Because of her brand new life, she remained rather out of touch with her clueless offspring, and was stunned at his decision to move into the Lair of Evil, she also lost touch with her "adopted" offspring and was stunned at her decision to go on the Tour of Contrivance with nary a word to anyone, also lost touch with "partner" Deb and was stunned when she showed up at the nightclub drunk and/or high and proceeded to dance like a smurf on acid. Crimes include: opening Tric (burn baby burn), not supporting the N/H marriage (or at least telling Haley you did), general cluelessness that sleeping with your professor might be an ethical violation, unintentionally contributing to the delinquency of minors (specifically Pippi, Haley and Brooke (who scored booze in your club), and assault on the Dealership Window (the assault should have been on Dan after the forced kiss). Mitigating circumstances include: Trying to stand up to the Great Evil (the ass speech especially), Smackdown on Pippi over the heart test, recognizing the absolute yumminess of Professor McHottie, giving aid and comfort to Brooke, not participating in the kidnapping of Jenny. Plea bargain recommended, pending review of Dealership Flambe. If no further crimes, will recommend smacking some sense into Pippi, finding Haley and smacking some sense into her, and finding Poser and giving him the Dan treatment. Being Pippi's mother seems to be punishment enough, but if you could do something about Tric, the Court would be forever in your debt. Brian "Whitey" Durham recovered from eye surgery, mentored the idiotic Brothers Scott, gave Oh Pity Me Nathan a reality check and a smackdown about pissing his life away, and gave the entire class (except Haley) an assignment for a time capsule (in which no one could either remember what year they were in or add fifty). Sadly however, his position as lone voice of reason in Tree Hill was rather seriously compromised this year. Crimes include: kidnapping of the minor child Jenny Jagielski, and crossing state lines with said child, blabbing about child's whereabouts to Peyton "The World in My Website" Sawyer, not bonding enough with Keith, and allowing for basketball to be missing from an entire season (probably MS's fault, but we'll blame Whitey too). Mitigating circumstances include: threatening of The Great Evil (after you tried to do the right thing and he was an ass), reminiscences of Camilla, being nearly the only person on my screen I didn't wish to smack into oblivion (although with the kidnapping you came close). Plea bargain recommended pending review of Dealership Flambe. If no further lawlessness, will recommend that you engage in community service, specifically marriage counseling for the younger Scotts. *****Watch for Part Two coming soon***** @9:02 AM -- ravens23 [4 Followed the Rambling] |
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